Sunday, January 6, 2013

On The Killing Of Spiders

Spiders are not good, but I think we already know that.The issue with getting rid of them is that often you have nothing to kill them with nearby and no bug killing spray. Actually this isn't true. The following is a compiled list of objects that are great for killing spiders, organized by common location.

The Bedroom: The worst place to find spiders.

Shoes- Flipflops work best. They don't have crevices that spiders could accidentally end up in instead of being squished.

Books- If you are able, hardbacks work best. You can wipe the spider guts off right afterward. With paperbacks there's a chance it might soak in. If your hardback book has a dust jacket, take that off. No use ruining it.

Tissue Box- The sides and bottom are great for smashing arachnids, as long as the spider isn't in the box.

Jewelry Box- Only use inexpensive, not antique ones, okay?

The Bathroom: A room filled with bottles.

Bottles- Most bottles in bathrooms are made of plastic, which means it's okay to slam them against the wall in the name of spider killing. Just be sure to use the sides as most bottles have a dent in the bottom.

Toilet Paper- Unused. Definitely unused. This method is a little unsettling once used. You can feel the spider pop under the weight of your hand through the paper.

Bars of Soap- I recommend this as a last resort, and you may want to cut off the part that smooshes the spider.

Air Freshener- Yes, it is possible to drown a spider in this stuff.

Faucets- If the spider is in the tub or a sink, it is entirely possible that you can drown it/ squish it with, what to spiders is, high pressured water, or simply force Itsy-Bitsy down the drain.

The Living-room/Entertainment Center: When you dearly wish you hadn't opted to sit on the floor.

DVD Boxes- It's doubly satisfying if the face of a disliked actor is on the side you use for spider squishing. "Ha! You get spider guts in your face!"

Coasters- As long as you don't absolutely slam it down on the spider, you should be able to avoid breaking these, as my father once did.

Cd Cases- They're flat and hard. Could you ask for a more reliable mode of spider exterminating?

Remotes- If you want too, you could.

Magazines- Especially helpful if the spider is on the ceiling or simply too high on a wall.

Durable Game Systems- Hey, a spider is a spider. Do you really want to take the chance that it will turn into more spiders?

The Kitchen: Mmmm! Want some of this cream of spider?

Dishes and Cups- Please only use the plastic stuff, it's not worth a perfectly good plate or glass to kill one spider. Plastic is just as effective, but paper plates aren't too useful for really big spiders.

Not Knives- Trust me. It's too small a point to get a spider. They are too fast and little.

Cutting Boards- Most cutting boards, these days, are made of wood or thick plastic. Take that you eight-legged abominations!

Cookbooks- Here, Mr. Spider, have a taste of this recipe!

The Blender- Look, if a spider is in your blender, sometimes the only thing you can do is slap on the lid and make a spider smoothie, but I wouldn't recommend drinking it.

Pans- Big, flat, and they make a satisfying clanging noise. Sounds good to me.

The Stairwell/Hallway: Where there are, virtually, no weapons.

...- In this place, the best course of action is, whilst screaming like a little girl, running back the way you came, grabbing a weapon, and racing back, full kilter, to destroy the spider. Do not stop screaming until you are absolutely certain that the spider will never move again. This helps in the intimidation factor. Although, if you plan on using dangerous chemicals, I wouldn't recommend inhaling.

The Study: Just another place that spiders don't belong in.

Papers/Notebooks- They're in abundance, you can't argue with that.

Paper Weights- Hard, with a flat bottom. Unless you have a fan on or an open window, they really aren't useful for much else.

That Memo Your Boss Gave You That You Need An Excuse To Lose- "Sorry Sir., just let me look... Ah! Here it is! Oh... that's why I threw it out. Look, it has spider guts on it! There's even a leg!"

The Keyboard Keys- If the spider crawls in the keyboard to hide, and you are willing to take out the keys and clean afterward, by all means, press a lot of keys hard. I'm rooting for you.

Reference Books- If you have nothing else, there is not much of a choice, but please, be careful with them. They are, after all, books.

The Utility/Laundry Room: A likely place for spiders.

Cleaning Agent Bottles- Remember the deceptive arch often found on the bottoms can often spare the life of a spider, if a human warrior is unsuspecting.

The Washer or Dryer- If a spider is in an article of clothing, throw it in the washer or dryer. Run as many cycles as you want, just remember to empty the lint filter.

Other Things: These are found in different rooms, depending on the occupants' whims.

Cleaning Sprays- If the toxic chemicals don't kill it, you can drown it in the stuff. This includes but is not limited to window cleaner, carpet cleaner, and furniture polish.

Pill Bottles- They're a bit small, but still effective, if you can pin a spider between it and a hard surface.

Fly Swatter- Not just for flies, and they allow for the use of excessive force.

Hairspray- Either the spider will be poisoned, drowned, or stuck to the wall to starve to death.

Vacuum- While it might be considered cruel to suck a spider into a confined space with large amounts of dust and no amount of food, it can also be cruel to your sense of security to leave a spider in your home.

Spider Killing Tips: Just to be helpful.

At the very least, wear socks- Spiders can't bite through socks, much less shoes.

Have a partner- I cannot tell you how many times I have had to run to another room to get a suitable weapon. Having someone watch the spider while I left the room, has sealed the fate of many an arachnid that might have lived, simply because it moved while I was gone.

Be careful with flammable materials- Hairspray and other non-spider friendly chemicals tend to be highly flammable. This means don't use them if the spider is standing anywhere near an open flame or is in possession of a lighter or flamethrower.

Always be aware of where there is poison- The poisons can not only kill spiders and most other bugs, but it can also hurt people and small animals.

Keeping spiders away- The easiest trick, with spiders, is to not give them something to find in your home. The fewer bugs in your home, the fewer and smaller the spiders will be. Simply cleaning up after a meal, being aware of crumbs, and washing dishes can cut back on the number of bugs in the house.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

A New Year

Finally, there has been snow. Large flakes that drift lazily down to Earth. Most of them melted once they hit the ground, but a few have stuck, giving gravel driveways the illusion of white rivers with milky bogs on either side. Still, if I peep through the windows, the grass is stubbornly green. In the morning, each emerald shaft has white filigree edges, and the sun rises from among the bare crooked trees as a song bird from the thicket.

Each year people look at the next 365 days and see it as a new slate, a blank piece of paper on which to draw their fates, but looking out my window, I see it as the same paper as before, only the pencil has been sharpened and I have a new eraser. What we do one year is invariably tied to what we have done in the years past. How would we know what to draw, if we didn't have the past drawings to look back on? Sure, we've also made mistakes in the past years, but that's why there's an eraser, to fix things to the best of our ability. Some things just can't be fixed. They're drawn in pen, often by someone else, and the only thing we can do is use that drawing to create a better, bigger picture.

So, your pencil has been sharpened, you have a new eraser, and there's a little more room on your paper. The only question is what you will draw.