Saturday, December 10, 2011

The Complete Story Hansel and Gretel, Retold and Revised

Once upon a time there were two children. The older was a young boy named Hansel and the younger was his sister, Gretel. They had a stepmother that loved them, but because she was a stepmother the children were inclined to hate her. One day Hansel decided to wake up early and walk in the woods, as usual he dragged his little sister behind him. She was not quite right in the head and he believed anything she told him. This was, indeed, a recipe for disaster.

As the two children skipped along the path the smell of freshly baked bread reached their little noses. The greedy little boogers turned from the path and ran towards the source of the sent. Eventually, a small cottage came into view. It was a charming little abode, with flower boxes beneath the windows and trim around the edge of the roof. The occupant of this cottage was a little old lady that sold herbs at the county fair. Gretel took one look at the house and squealed.

"Oh, Hans! Look Hans! Look! It's a ginormous gingerbread house!" The little girl could barely contain herself and rushed to the door, where she proceeded to gnaw upon the doorknob. Hansel, never to be left out on something, started licking the window sill.

"Are you hungry?" A little old lady had walked around the house with dirt on her blouse and a basket of vegetables in her arms.

"Yes, Ma'am. Very," Hansel pulled his little sister away from the door as he spoke. The old crone didn't need to know that they had been eating her house if she was going to feed them.

"Well, my name is Lillian Rain," the old lady crooned as she opened her door, showing no signs of noticing the drool on the doorknob, "What would your names be?"

"Hansel and Gretal Anderson."

"Well aren't those lovely names! Do come inside."

Once inside Ms. Rain fed the children till they were bursting and taught Gretal how to cook a few dishes. Consequentially Hansel ate more food than he should have, and gained nearly twenty pounds. Sadly Gretel was terrified of the large oven in the kitchen and told Hansel that Ms. Rain was a witch that planned to eat them. Ever willing to be a hero, Hansel shoved poor Ms. Rain into her own oven, closed the oven's door, and padlocked it. The screams were heard over a mile away.

It was those screams that brought Mr. Anderson to Ms. Rain's abode. When he arrived he found Gretel gnawing on the doorknob and Hansel crying (he had eaten so much he couldn't walk). In order to keep his children form being thrown down a volcano, he told the public that his wife had taken the children into the woods in order to be rid of them, where the children met a witch that attempted to eat them. Thanks to Hansel the world was now free of one more witch. He threw in the part about his wife (the children's stepmother), because she was starting to cost too much. She couldn't not buy shoes.


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